SUSAN
How would someone become a relationship coach?
One could seek formal training in Psychology and related disciplines. Many coaches choose this route. But in this specific field, there are many (such as myself) who have been long-time observers of human nature and interpersonal dynamics. Surprisingly, large portions of relationship coach’s come to this field with degrees in other fields of study. But they’ve all found a system that fuses their own inner awareness with outer tools to serve their clients.
What would you say is the biggest mistake women make when falling in love?
We tend to lose ourselves in our love for another. It’s a peculiar dynamic, but I’ve seen it happen over and over. Centuries of social programming are still coursing through our DNA, instructing us to be a certain way and do certain things to secure a partner’s love.
The mutable nature of a woman seeks to please and nurture, which is fundamentally a beautiful thing. But in love, it can quickly turn against us as we focus on “who we should be for them,” and lose our truth in the process.
How has dating changed in the last decade?
Everything we know about dating has changed including approach, partnership models and goals. A decade ago, the term “dating” meant courtship with the intention of creating a relationship. Now it’s a polite term for, “I’m seeing someone and we’re having sex.”
It’s becoming increasingly difficult for singles to find their way to partnership. The advent of open sexuality gives men fewer reasons for commitment. This leaves a majority of women asking, “What is this? What are we doing here?” Many women are learning to subjugate their basic needs out of the fear of being left alone on the sidelines. Because they can’t get the type of relationship they want, they take what’s given to them. In adopting this quick-fix pattern of asking for less (and expecting less from a man) they experience a cycle of diminishing returns.
The tide has changed; younger men are dating older women, what changed?
Younger men have always been attracted to older women. We’re just seeing more tangible evidence of it beyond the bedroom.
Today’s women are in a vastly different position than in former time periods. They’re taking better care of themselves, staying in shape, and have their own financial independence. Having the freedom to partner with the man they want (regardless of his power or status) allows younger men greater comfort in seeking out an older female partner.
Society has finally caught up with reality. What was once viewed as a “sexual fling,” has proven to be a valid romantic construct. And, it’s not just the domain of celebrities. Older women and younger men from all stations of life are participating in this romantic option.
With over a decade of rigorous conversation around this topic, the media has come to see that these types of relationships aren’t just a passing trend. As growing numbers of couples are demonstrating, age-varied partnerships can and do work.
What should a woman keep in check when dating a younger man?
Avoiding the tendency to teach, instruct or micro-manage is crucial here. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she’s wiser in all aspects of life. Younger men are the outgrowth of an evolving world. They come downloaded with heightened insight, emotional intelligence and a progressive worldview. To ignore what a younger man has to offer is to miss the opportunity to grow from his input.
What is the biggest misconception of a marriage of a younger man dating older
woman?
That he’s an opportunist seeking financial/professional advancement. This is a double locking misconception. It’s not just the older woman who’s marginalized by this type of ignorance. The younger man suffers as well. She’s seen as a Sugar Mama and he’s viewed as a Gigolo. Somehow, our world cannot believe that a younger man would want an older woman without some sort of “agenda.”
The truth behind all of this is that we still don’t value women beyond their youth and beauty. That’s the real nugget at the core of this flawed concept.
Though women run companies and countries, society still holds an antiquated ideal of “a woman’s worth” being tied to her youth and beauty. Women will never be free to be the totality of who they are under this type of thinking.
What is your background?
I’ve had five different careers since coming to NYC as an Opera singer. Having a double major in Opera/Theatre from Indiana University, I worked with the Minnesota Opera Company, performed Off-Broadway, and did TV and regional theatre. I loved the craft but hated the lifestyle.
My advanced communication skills enabled me to become a Corporate Spokeswoman for over half of the Fortune 500 companies. I parlayed that career into working as a Broadcast Moderator for FNN (now CNBC).
As seen on OPRAH, best-selling author/relationship expert Susan Winter (Allowing Magnificence and Older Women/Younger Men) specializes in today’s evolving forms of loving partnership.
How did you get into relationship counseling?
I was always the “person” people came to for advice, even in college. I was fascinated with psychology, spirituality and the study of human behavior. It was a means of better understanding myself and life’s challenges.
Turning this into a profession was a completely unanticipated career move. It began with a friend’s casual comment, “We should write a book about younger men.” I didn’t consider myself a writer at the time, but when my pen hit the paper I couldn’t stop the flow. Living with a boyfriend 20 years younger than myself, I knew the intense discrimination that accompanied this type of partnership. I had an overwhelming passion to set the record straight, separating fact from fiction.
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